March 13th, 2012
This is funny. This was sent to me in email.
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
- The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
- Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
- July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
- You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
- Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
- All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
- The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
- You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
- The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
- Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
- You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
- Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
- You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
- An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
- Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
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December 23rd, 2011
Ingredients:
- 2 cups sugar
- ½ cup water
- 1 cup light syrup (Karo light)
- 1 tsp salt
- 2 cups raw peanuts
- 2 tsp butter
- 1 tsp vanilla
- 1 heaping tsp baking soda
Procedure:
- Grease 15 ¼ X 10 ¼ X ¾ inch cookie sheet with butter. Smear butter on with paper towel.
- In a skillet, combine the sugar, water, syrup, and salt on high heat, stirring constantly until it forms a string when you pull the spoon out.
- Add peanuts, stir. When nuts start popping, it’s a good sign. Watch the color.
- When color is a deep golden brown, remove from heat and stir in butter, vanilla, and baking soda. Stir it together very well.
- Dump on cookie sheet and spread.
- Cool until hard.
- Drop pan on counter or other hard surface to break peanut brittle into pieces.
- Enjoy.
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December 19th, 2011 I received this in email and wanted to share. Usually, I try to verify the veracity, but this needs no verification. It is not the story that is important, it is the message. Merry Christmas and enjoy.
I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was just a kid.
I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit her on the day my big sister dropped the bomb: “There is no Santa Claus,” she jeered. “Even dummies know that!”
My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of her “world-famous” cinnamon buns. I knew they were world-famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true.
Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm. Between bites, I told her everything. She was ready for me. “No Santa Claus?” she snorted….”Ridiculous! Don’t believe it. That rumor has been going around for years, and it makes me mad, plain mad!! Now, put on your coat, and let’s go.”
“Go? Go where, Grandma?” I asked. I hadn’t even finished my second world-famous cinnamon bun. “Where” turned out to be Kerby’s General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everything. As we walked through its doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. That was a bundle in those days. “Take this money,” she said, “and buy something for someone who needs it. I’ll wait for you in the car.” Then she turned and walked out of Kerby’s.
I was only eight years old. I’d often gone shopping with my mother, but never had I shopped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping.
For a few moments I just stood there, confused, clutching that ten-dollar bill, wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for.
I thought of everybody I knew: my family, my friends, my neighbors, the kids at school, the people who went to my church.
I was just about thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock’s grade-two class. Bobby Decker didn’t have a coat. I knew that because he never went out to recess during the winter. His mother always wrote a note, telling the teacher that he had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn’t have a cough; he didn’t have a good coat. I fingered the ten-dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy Bobby Decker a coat!
I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It looked real warm, and he would like that.
“Is this a Christmas present for someone?” the lady behind the counter asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars down. “Yes, ma’am,” I replied shyly. “It’s for Bobby.”
The nice lady smiled at me, as I told her about how Bobby really needed a good winter coat. I didn’t get any change, but she put the coat in a bag, smiled again, and wished me a Merry Christmas.
That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat (a little tag fell out of the coat, and Grandma tucked it in her Bible) in Christmas paper and ribbons and wrote, “To Bobby, From Santa Claus” on it.
Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me over to Bobby Decker’s house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever officially, one of Santa’s helpers.
Grandma parked down the street from Bobby’s house, and she and I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma gave me a nudge. “All right, Santa Claus,” she whispered, “get going.”
I took a deep breath, dashed for his front door, threw the present down on his step, pounded his door and flew back to the safety of the bushes and Grandma.
Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open. Finally it did, and there stood Bobby.
Fifty years haven’t dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker’s bushes. That night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said they were — ridiculous. Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team.
I still have the Bible, with the coat tag tucked inside: $19.95.
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September 12th, 2011 Disclaimer: If you plan to see the movie and don’t want the ending spoiled – stop here and return after you’ve seen it. This text may either spoil the ending for you, or save you some money.
Last Friday night, after a nicely stressful short week, the wife and I decided to take in a movie. She wanted something scary, so it was between Apollo 18 and Don’t be Afraid of the Dark. Well, both of us being sci-fi buffs, we decided on Apollo 18. Or as my wife would tell it, I decided on Apollo 18. Of course, this was after we saw this cinematic disappointment.
First of all, if I’d known it would have been filmed a-la-Blair-Witch, I never would have seen it. According to the movie, it was supposedly put together with footage recovered from this failed mission, so it was cut to this camera and that camera and another camera – very disjointed. The entire movie is horribly put together with scenes from supposedly different cameras that were on all the time capturing the entire mission. The actors were bad and the script was lame.
The mission of Apollo 18 is to supposedly set up monitoring equipment to watch the Russians during the Cold War sanctioned by the Department of Defense. However, with any good conspiracy, the DoD doesn’t tell the guys that there are little rock creatures that will infect them. In the end, it leaves the view wondering how any of this footage was “recovered” in the first place since none of the astronauts leave the moon.
As far as scary goes – there may have been some scary spots, but we were too numb to care.
Unless you are morbidly curious, my advice is to not waste your money. If you’ve seen the movie, I’d really like to read your comments.
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September 2nd, 2011 Chaz Bono, Sonny and Cher’s daughter son, is cast on Dancing with the Stars this season. Apparently, some people have a problem with this. Online group OneMillionMoms.com is calling for a boycott of the show because of Chaz and gay reality star Carson Kressley. Dan Gainor of the Culture and Media Institute said, “This is the latest example of the networks trying to push a sexual agenda on American families.”
Of course, GLBT groups are praising the move by DWTS, while others are condemning the casting choices. That’s find, everyone is entitled to an opinion.
Chaz Bono apparently tweeted, “I don’t listen to the haters, but embrace the love.” Haters? Just because someone doesn’t agree with you or your lifestyle does not make them a hater. I have a big problem with the way disagreement with some groups is called hate, but disagreement with other groups is called progressive thinking.
If someone disagrees with Christians, they are considered forward thinking individuals. However, those who disagree with GLBT people are haters. Sorry, but if all I do is disagree with you, it’s not hate. If I physically attack you because of your beliefs, well then that may be hate.
As far as Chaz and DWTS, I really have no opinion as I don’t usually watch the show anyway. But, last time I checked, every TV has an on/off switch and a way to change the channels. If you don’t want to watch DWTS for whatever reason – don’t.
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August 12th, 2011 Several years ago, Northeastern State University in Tahlequah, Oklahoma, changed their nickname from the Redmen to the Riverhawks because someone was offended. They said the name was demeaning to the Indians (Native Americans, Original Americans) instead of a reference to heritage of our state. Oklahoma means home of the red man, so, if the term red man is so offensive, we should change the state’s name.
Now, six Native American students at the University of North Dakota are suing because they are offended at the nickname of “Fighting Sioux”. That sounds like it is honoring a proud, strong people, not cutting them down. But, in fact, they say it hurts their self-esteem:
They also say it has had a ‘profoundly negative impact’ on their self image and psychological health, and has deprived them ‘of an equal educational experience and environment.’
What? I would have figured any people who have overcome as much adversity as the American Indian wouldn’t let a little thing like a name affect them so greatly. I guess I was wrong.
However, they do seem to have picked up on the “white man’s” proficiency to litigate well enough.
By the way, this “white man” was born in this country, so that make me, yep, native American.
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August 12th, 2011 It’s been a while since I’ve posted a Friday Rant, but the news provided two stories I just couldn’t pass up.
Gay puppets
Two men who are roommates and best friends must be gay, right? I mean, there’s no way two straight men can be friends or roommates. Well, apparently, that’s what Lair Scott of Chicago wants to teach children.
He launched a petition to have the two Sesame Street characters get married to help gay and lesbian children feel better about themselves and teach tolerance. And, since gay marriage recently became legal in New York – and Sesame Street is set in New York – it’s the perfect venue.
I have never condoned hating anyone for any reason and I think we need to teach children that it is not okay to hate someone especially based upon the color of their skin, gender, religion, sexual preference, etc. Actually, I think we should teach children that it’s not okay to hate for any reason. But, let’s also teach them that two men or two women can be best friends and even be roommates without being gay. Let’s also teach them that two men can love each other without being “in love”.
So, marriage for Bert and Ernie? Sesame Workshop says that Bert and Ernie are just good friends and will not be getting married. Thank you, Sesame Workshop, for keeping a level head about this and not caving to such a stupid idea.
Pee-er skier
Allegedly, Robert “Sandy” Vietze, a member of the US Ski Team, had several alcoholic beverages before boarding the flight. He then, allegedly, left his seat to use the restroom, but instead, peed on a little girl about 5 rows back. According to published reports, the girl was briefly left alone by her father when Vietze began urinating on her leg. Also, according to published reports, Vietze said he was drunk and didn’t know what he was doing and has refused to apologize.
I know 18-year-olds can do some stupid things, but this takes the cake. According to this website, the legal age in Oregon is 21. So, he shouldn’t have had anything to drink anyway because of his age.
Now, the question is, should he be booted from the ski team and barred from competing in the 2014 Olympics. I say, yes. Even if he does apologize to the girl and her family, the consequences should be severe. Athletes, actors, and other famous people think they can get away with anything simply because they are famous.
It’s time to show them that it doesn’t matter, they still need to face the consequences of their actions.
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August 11th, 2011 Good Morning America this morning reported the President’s approval rating is down to 41%. I think that number is probably too high given the current economic situation. I don’t know about you, but I probably have no 401k any more.
What do you think of the job President Obama is doing? Weigh in on the comments or answer the poll to the right.
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August 6th, 2011
This was sent to me via email and, I must say, I’ve found more than one that applies to me.
- Your house plants are alive & you can’t smoke any of them.
- Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
- 06:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
- You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
- You watch the Weather Channel.
- Your friends marry & divorce instead of hook up & break up.
- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
- You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
- You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds’ leftovers.
- Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
- You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
- Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
- Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
- You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit”.
- You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
- “I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces, “I’m never going to drink that much again”.
- 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
- You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
- You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you.
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August 5th, 2011 For years now, I have been certain there are no more good ideas for Hollywood to base movies on. With the release of the Smurf movie, I am now positive they have run out of ideas. Of course, on the news that it was one of the highest grossing films of the past weekend, I am also convinced the movie-going public is also as brain-dead. Then I got to wondering if there are any good smurf jokes out there. I was kind of disappointed as there weren’t many, clean ones, that is. I’ll begin with the most common joke:
- If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- Blue man group visit their genealogist. Genealogist says, ‘I have bad news’ and he’s holding a photo of papa smurf.
- What do you call a smurf with its pants down? Blue moon.
- What’s blue and white and red all over? A smurf with a sunburn.
- What’s blue and white and goes round and round? A smurf stuck in a revolving door.
Well, that’s all the clean smurf jokes I could find. If you have any clean smurf jokes you’d like to share, please do so in comments.
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August 3rd, 2011 I know I’ve been posting it’s so hot jokes, but all joking aside, our furry family members rely on us to keep them safe. Here are some tips to keeping our pets safe during this blast-furnace heat.
- Never leave your pet in a parked car alone, even in shade. Ever.
- Always provide fresh cool water. Take it with you if you are traveling with your pet.
- Watch for dehydration. An overheated dog will drool excessively, become lethargic, and have bloodshot eyes.
- Take walks early in the morning or late in the evening when it’s cooler.
- If the pavement burns your feet, it will burn theirs. Be careful of hot pavement. Check paws after a walk.
- Most dogs like to swim. If you have access to a lake, pond or pool, let your dog cool off. It is probably a good idea to rinse them off after a swim.
- Dogs cool from the bottom up. Spray their paws and stomach, not just the top.
- Don’t overfeed your pet. In hot weather, overfed pets can overheat.
- Be careful of sunburn. Yep, they can sunburn, too. There are pet sunscreens available.
- Know your pet. You will be the first to notice when your baby isn’t acting right.
If you have any tips, please feel free to comment.
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August 3rd, 2011 The nation is under a ‘heat dome’ as the weathermen have termed this miserable little bubble of hell that has situated itself over the middle of the country. Air conditioners are being taxed to their limits, vehicles are commonplace on the sides of highways, and people are flooding emergency rooms with heat-related illnesses. But, I do thank God I have air conditioning at home, in my car and at work. AND, we get to joke about it because we are a people who make jokes about miserable things to make us feel better.
So, that being said, here are some more it’s so hot jokes I’ve found…
- It’s so hot that I saw an Amish guy buying an air conditioner.
- It’s so hot that I saw a funeral procession pull into a Dairy Queen.
- It’s so hot that birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
- It’s so hot that potatoes cook underground – just pull and add salt and butter.
- It’s so hot that I burn my tongue telling it.
- It’s so hot that you can say 113 degrees without fainting.
- It’s so hot that you discover you can drive your car with only 2 fingers.
- It’s so hot that you break a sweat the instant you step outside – at 6:30am.
- It’s so hot that sun tea is instant.
If you have any more, please leave them in comments.
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August 2nd, 2011 I got an email in response to my post with Harry Potter yo mama jokes containing Harry Potter pickup lines. After I stopped laughing, I decided to share these with the love-starved geeks out there. If you have any more, please post them in comments. And, if you use any of them and they actually work for you, I would love to know that as well.
- We may not be in Professor Flitwick’s class, but you still are charming.
- My love for you burns like a dying phoenix.
- Being without you is like being under the Cruciatus Curse.
- If I was to look into the Mirror of Erised, I would see the two of us together.
- What do you say we disapparate out of here.
- You know, when I said, “Accio hottie,” I didn’t expect it to work!
- Will you be my horcrux tonight, so l can give a piece of my soul to you?
- You must not be a Muggle, because you cast a spell on me.
- Are you using the Confundus charm or are you just naturally mind blowing?
- I must need Occlumency, because I can’t get you out of my thoughts.
- I might as well be under the Imperius curse, because I’d do anything for you.
- Your smile’s like expelliarmus: simple but disarming.
- Did you survive Avada Kedavra? ‘Cause you’re drop dead gorgeous.
- I need a pensieve because my head is filled with thoughts about you.
- Cho Chang? More like Cha-Ching! Cause I just hit the jackpot.
- Would you like a butterbeer? It’s a portkey. Next thing you know we’ll be back at my place.
- I don’t need the mirror of Erised to know that you’re everything I desire.
- Did you use Relashio? ‘Cause there’s sparks between us.
- Did you slip some Firewhiskey into my drink, or are you just getting hotter?
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August 1st, 2011 I originally posted this in August of 2010, but I think it bears a reprise.
Here in Northeast Oklahoma, we have been in the midst of a nasty heat wave. With temperatures over 100 degrees every day and heat indices 10-20 degrees above that, it’s safe to say it’s freaking HOT! So, that brings be to wondering just how many ways you can get the idea across just how hot it is, so I came up with this list:
- It’s so hot that I saw two trees fighting over a dog.
- It’s so hot that I saw a chicken lay a fried egg.
- It’s so hot that cows are giving evaporated milk.
- It’s so hot that you learn a seat belt makes a good branding iron.
- It’s so hot that when the temperature drops to 95, you feel chilly.
- It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
- It’s so hot that all the corn on the stalks started popping and flying through the air. The cows thought it was snowing and they froze to death.
- It’s so hot that Satan took the day off.
- It’s so hot that even the sun was looking for some shade.
- It’s so hot that I saw a dog chasing a cat … and they were both walking.
- It’s so hot that Dennis Rodman went out without a bra.
- It’s so hot that my thermometer says “Are you kidding?”
- It’s so hot that you discover asphalt has a liquid state.
Those are the one’s I’ve come up with or found on the internet. If you have more, please leave a comment.
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August 1st, 2011 Who doesn’t like a good yo mama joke – except maybe yo mama. So, when I got these on an email, I couldn’t resist passing them on to you. I’m sure there are plenty more, so if you have any, please feel free to put them in the comments.
- Yo mama’s so fat that the Sorting Hat put her in all four houses!
- Yo mama’s so fat that a wingardium leviosa spell couldn’t lift her.
- Yo mama’s so fat, she makes Hagrid look like “Mini-me”.
- Yo mama’s so fat, she tried to eat Cornelius Fudge.
- Yo mama’s so ugly, even a dementor wouldn’t kiss her!
- Yo mama’s so fat the Sorting Hat assigned her to the House of Pancakes.
- Yo mama’s so old, she used to babysit Dumbledore.
- Yo mama’s so stupid, she thinks Sirius Black is a hip hop station on satellite radio.
- Yo mama’s so ugly that the whomping willow saw her and died.
- Yo mama’s so stupid she thinks Patronus is a kind of Tequlia.
- Yo Mama’s so fat, her Patronus is a Double-Whopper with Cheese.
- Yo mama’s so nasty, the Forbidden Forrest was named after her.
- Yo mama’s the reason that Dumbledore turned gay.
- Yo mama’s so old, her boobs look like two upside down Sorting Hats!
- Yo mama’s so fat, she used the invisibility cloak as a bib.
- Yo Mama’s so ugly, everybody calls her “She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Naked”
- Yo mama’s so fat that even the Dementors can’t suck her soul out in one sitting.
- Yo mama’s so pasty, she makes Ron Weasely look like George Hamilton.
- Yo mama’s so fat, she looked in the mirror of Erised and saw a ham!
- Yo mama’s so old she gave Nicholas Flamel his first kiss.
- Yo mama’s so ugly that the Dementor’s Kiss was swapped out for a hearty handshake and a promise to give her a call sometime.
- Yo mama’s so stupid, she drowned in a pensieve
- Yo mama’s so dumb she thought that she could talk to snakes if she put parsley on her tongue
- Yo mama’s so nasty, every pair of her panties has the Dark Mark on them.
- Yo mama’s so fat that if she confronted a boggart it would morph into a treadmill.
- Yo Mama’s so ugly that even Voldemort won’t say her name.
- Yo Mama’s so poor she can’t even afford a Gringotts account.
- Yo mama’s so fat that the sorting hat couldn’t decide where to put her – she couldn’t fit in any of the houses!!
- Yo mama’s the only mute prostitue in Hogsmeade. They call her “dumb-le-whore”!
- Yo mama’s so fat, she ate the Death Eaters.
- Yo mama’s so masculine that Dumbledore would sleep with her!
- Yo mama’s so nasty that the order of the phoenix was “stay away from that woman!”
- Yo mama’s so poor that Dobby gave her a sock to keep her foot warm.
- Yo mama’s such a tramp that she’s given more rides than the Hogwarts Express!
- Yo mama’s so fat even Grawp can’t pick her up!
- Yo mama’s so smelly, Bertie Bott made her his next jelly bean flavor.
- Yo mama’s so fat that it takes two boggarts to shape-shift into her!
- Yo mama’s so ugly that she lost a beauty contest to Mountain Troll.
- Yo mama’s so ugly that when the bassalisk snuck up on her and saw her face, HE dropped dead.
- Yo mama’s breath is the secret ingredient in the Weasly’s Butterscotch Barf-ies.
- Yo mama’s so ugly that when she walked into Gringotts Wizarding Bank, they gave her a job application.
- Yo mama’s so ugly she turned the Basilisk to stone.
- Yo mama’s such a tramp that she’s like a quidditch broomstick – everyone gets a ride.
- Yo mama’s so skanky that the reason you’re called a Half-Blood Prince is because she has no idea who your father is!
- Yo mama’s so dumb that a stupify spell actually made her smarter.
- Yo mama’s so stanky that not even dobby would accept one of her socks.
- Yo mama’s so fat that even her Quidditch robes have stretch marks.
- Yo mama’s so old she makes Dumbledore look like a teenager.
- Yo mama’s so fat they’d have to use transfiguration to sneak her through the hole in the Gryffindor Tower.
- Ya mama’s so fat, her wand is a Slim Jim.
- Yo mama’s so fat the core of her wand has a creame filling.
- Yo mama’s so ugly that Voldemort took one look at her and killed HIMSELF!”
- Yo mama’s so poor she had to go to the Weasley’s for a loan.
- Yo mama’s so ugly, she thought that Hogwarts were the growth on her thigh.
- Yo mama’s so ugly that as a baby they had to use the Confundus Charm so the family would play with her.
- Yo mama’s so ugly she scares the Dementors away.
- Yo mama’s so ugly that when she asked Crabbe to take her to the Yule Ball, he decided to go with Goyle instead!
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